Ashley E. Kingsley

Posts Tagged ‘Sadness’

Running Free

In Uncategorized on June 21, 2008 at 5:01 am

ShoesI got a piece of mail. This is not exciting. However, I realized when I looked at it closely…(rare) it was a fundraiser/race for Pancreatic Cancer.

A few things that are interesting about receiving a mailer about pancreatic cancer: 1) My mom has just conquered pancreatic cancer (only 4% of the people diagnosed with this awful cancer, survive.   2) When my mom was sick (for the last 2 years) I never ONCE looked online at information regarding pancreatic cancer, or any of the procedures she went through. I couldn’t. I did NO research which is totally unlike me.   So, why was I receiving a mailer about PANCREATICA – a 10 mile race to raise money for research?  Hmmm….

I knew I would have to “look into it.”  It took a few days as I was busy with ramping up a new job and traveling.

I thought about it every day. A 10 mile race.  Let’s just say… I have only ever run two miles at the MOST and that was when I was 15 years old.  I also took a running class my first year of college which was not enlightening. I would show up to class for roll call and then run back to my dorm and go to bed. I got a low “C.”

Running is not my thing. Never has been. It hurts. I hate it. I have never wanted to run anywhere, for anything, ever. I have never had the endurance of a runner. I had the strength of a gymnast at one time, but that is it. Oh, and Yoga is my friend. Slow, soft, difficult but quiet.

I decided to run the 10 mile race. I made the choice after someone asked me (right after I got the mailer) “how my mom was doing?”  When I burst into tears and said “she is doing SO well, it is a miracle she is alive,” I knew I needed to do something to heal the pain of the last few years.

Watching my mom go through surgery and suffer so many complications and endless hospital stays, shady diagnosis-es, pain and strife, the unknowing… it was overwhelming. I haven’t had a chance to process the enormity of the situation. We almost lost her several times to complications from the Whipple procedure. We didn’t know if she would still be with us. She is. It is such a blessing.

And now I need to heal. I need to get angry and pissed off. Why does anyone have to get sick? I want to cry for days. I want to process the meaning of my relationship to my mom and how this illness changes us all. I want to be with myself for a while and get through the sadness and on-going fear that I have around the entire experience.

I have committed to training for and running a 10 mile race on September 1, 2008.  I have raised about $750 as of June 20th and my goal is to raise $2000.

I begin training tomorrow morning at 7:00am. Oh, the other thing: I don’t do mornings. Really, I don’t. I have been pissed off at myself all week that I even signed up to do this? Who the hell runs (at all) at 7:00am on a Saturday?

I have so much fear around failing. I keep telling myself “how silly it was for me to do this in the first place… and that there is NO way I will make it through 10 miles. What the hell was I thinking?

I am making myself go. Tomorrow is the first step to training for a run and running to heal. Sometimes you have to follow in order to become a leader.

Tomorrow, I will follow… and the next day and the day after that.

For more information on how to contribute please visit: RUNNING TO HEAL

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