Running Free

I got a piece of mail. This is not exciting. However, I realized when I looked at it closely…(rare) it was a fundraiser/race for Pancreatic Cancer.

A few things that are interesting about receiving a mailer about pancreatic cancer: 1) My mom has just conquered pancreatic cancer (only 4% of the people diagnosed with this awful cancer, survive.   2) When my mom was sick (for the last 2 years) I never ONCE looked online at information regarding pancreatic cancer, or any of the procedures she went through. I couldn’t. I did NO research which is totally unlike me.   So, why was I receiving a mailer about PANCREATICA – a 10 mile race to raise money for research?  Hmmm….

I knew I would have to “look into it.”  It took a few days as I was busy with ramping up a new job and traveling.

I thought about it every day. A 10 mile race.  Let’s just say… I have only ever run two miles at the MOST and that was when I was 15 years old.  I also took a running class my first year of college which was not enlightening. I would show up to class for roll call and then run back to my dorm and go to bed. I got a low “C.”

Running is not my thing. Never has been. It hurts. I hate it. I have never wanted to run anywhere, for anything, ever. I have never had the endurance of a runner. I had the strength of a gymnast at one time, but that is it. Oh, and Yoga is my friend. Slow, soft, difficult but quiet.

I decided to run the 10 mile race. I made the choice after someone asked me (right after I got the mailer) “how my mom was doing?”  When I burst into tears and said “she is doing SO well, it is a miracle she is alive,” I knew I needed to do something to heal the pain of the last few years.

Watching my mom go through surgery and suffer so many complications and endless hospital stays, shady diagnosis-es, pain and strife, the unknowing… it was overwhelming. I haven’t had a chance to process the enormity of the situation. We almost lost her several times to complications from the Whipple procedure. We didn’t know if she would still be with us. She is. It is such a blessing.

And now I need to heal. I need to get angry and pissed off. Why does anyone have to get sick? I want to cry for days. I want to process the meaning of my relationship to my mom and how this illness changes us all. I want to be with myself for a while and get through the sadness and on-going fear that I have around the entire experience.

I have committed to training for and running a 10 mile race on September 1, 2008.  I have raised about $750 as of June 20th and my goal is to raise $2000.

I begin training tomorrow morning at 7:00am. Oh, the other thing: I don’t do mornings. Really, I don’t. I have been pissed off at myself all week that I even signed up to do this? Who the hell runs (at all) at 7:00am on a Saturday?

I have so much fear around failing. I keep telling myself “how silly it was for me to do this in the first place… and that there is NO way I will make it through 10 miles. What the hell was I thinking?

I am making myself go. Tomorrow is the first step to training for a run and running to heal. Sometimes you have to follow in order to become a leader.

Tomorrow, I will follow… and the next day and the day after that.

For more information on how to contribute please visit: RUNNING TO HEAL

Is it Failure?

For several months I have been trying to re-find myself. Sounds silly, however, I have gotten lost on a few occasions. The last lost self happened when I gave birth to our daughter in July, 2006. She became my everything, as kids should, until you realize, you have to have “self”, also.

I began taking some training’s to find spark, or see if I could drum up enthusiasm I so desperately needed. After all, Scout, our daughter is almost 2. She has a little life of her own now.

I have attended some amazing and very gratifying lectures, training’s and symposiums in the last few months. I have learned a great deal about things I would never have looked into, like THE WHITE HOUSE PROJECT,  THE PACHAMAMA ALLIANCE, AWAKENING THE DREAMER, BRAIN JAM and THE GRADY GROSSMAN SCHOOL in Cambodia has welcomed me as one of the Board of Directors.

I have thrown out my credentials to many companies in search of a “job” or a “career.”  I found the need to do this when I decided that working at midnight for my clients was no longer fair to my family. I have been running ASHER SOLUTIONS for three years and with a great deal of pride and growth, I still find that I cannot do it all alone. I feed off people and collaborative relations and efforts.  Three months of shooting off résumés – and targeted I might add, I have offers on the table and feel really CONFUSED?  How does one go from business owner to employee? How does one go from STAY-AT-HOME-WORKING-MOM to employee? I am unsure of this transition and I am scared.

I have applied for press credentials to the Democratic National Convention as an alternative blogger. I feel I need to be there, like many do. It will be one of the most amazing weeks and I want to witness it up close and personal. I am awaiting an answer.

I applied to the WOMEN RULE! conference and was declined. They had 80 spots available and got 3,000 applicants. I was bummed. But is this failure?

I throw stuff out there – to see what sticks. I always have. And I am a big believer in “it was meant to be.”

Then why the unrest? Why the total lack of passionate and unwavering focus in the midst of such learning and growing?  I am trying to identify the nagging sensation in the pit of my hungry tummy.  What makes us who we are? And when we lose ourselves, what brings us back?

In the midst of seeking I have also been diagnosed with a lifetime illness that has brought doubt, sadness and fear. SILENT THYROIDITIS they call it. It doesn’t feel so silent. Since November, I have been sick – without knowing why. It took some digging, some scans, blood work and intense waiting to see if the word CANCER had crept into my life.  Now we know what it is. Now, I learn how to live with SL and move on, right? Some days, I haven’t been able to move because it is so hardcore – it makes me tired. My hair falls out. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I am anxious and really, because it is in my THYROID, which is the body’s thermometer, I haven’t worn a coat since last winter. I am always hot or freezing. These sounds like minor set backs until you weave them together and that makes for a pissed off, lost, sick, MAMA!

Is this failure? Or just life? How does one find oneself after having gone missing for so long?