Ashley E. Kingsley

Posts Tagged ‘Daughter’

NEGLECT

In Uncategorized on June 9, 2009 at 12:57 am

Woman with Breast

I have turned neglect into an art form.  It had been almost one year since I wrote, anything.  I have handfuls of excuses and even Doctor’s notes to back up my inactivity. But I figure, I’m back now, so let’s move on.

Here is just a lil’ window that will bring us from last July to now, June 8, 2009.

Put house on market and went under contract only after 4 weeks with a full price offer.  Had to wiggle out of sale of house on an inspection item due to an unexpected layoff.

Got laid off October 15th from a job I loved.  I was flourishing in my position as Director of Marketing at COLORADO BIZ BUZZ. They sunk people all over the company and layoffs were swift and awful.  I was a casualty of what everyone else would soon be, corporate greed.   The economy TANKED.  You all know the rest of that story, right?

My father moved in with us in the beginning of November. He was residing in New Zealand and made his way back to Colorado after 4+ years.  He shared a room with our daughter and space was limited.  The day after he landed I found out, after feeling odd for several weeks that I was, indeed, pregnant.

Surprise!  This sunk me. The news shocking and somewhat confusing.  My husband and I rolled with the punch and geared up for what we knew would be a long first trimester and pregnancy as a whole.  I don’t have easy pregnancies (refer to my other blog at MISCARRIAGE ONE TWO MANY).  This was a lot to take in stride.   I was totally side swiped out of my “career” or job and all of the sudden sick as a dog, pregnant and my Dad was living with us. Oh, and I didn’t mention our daughter had just hit the terrible twos.

What I want to share here is not all the angry, confusion.  That was there… no doubt about it.  I felt like I had just got my life steady again after having our daughter and I was loving my job and the community I was building. I liked the prospect of a new, bigger home.   But, someone else had different plans.

I have been on bed rest for the better part of 8 months.  That is a long time.  I haven’t cared much about staying in touch with friends, reading, writing;  pretty depressed.  The light in my day has been our daughter, our dogs and my husband.   I even stopped using TWITTER which was a big deal as that was my main mode of communication for quite some time prior to all of these new life circumstances setting in.

All through my days I would wonder… how can women do this? Have kids, have their careers, deal with the inevitable interruptions and stay balanced and satisfied? How do we make it all fit together in a way that we can make sense of it? This question still plagues me. I am not sure there really is an answer.  The thought of adding another child to our mix was and still is scary to me. What if I suck? What if I can’t do it? What if I lose my mind?  These questions woke me up every morning.  My tummy grew.  The more my tummy grows the lonelier and more trapped I feel in my body.  And then add the guilt in for even THINKING this way… boom! I am an awful person.

I haven’t been able to communicate these feelings very well, or write them down because I have been so withdrawn and scared at the same time, I am mostly frozen.   And with pregnancy, my pregnancies, there are complications.  Let’s just say if there is a small % of getting something…. I get it.  Recently, Gestational Diabetes has found its way into my life and I am not coping well.   What a tricky disease it is.  I write this from a hospital bed, where at 33 weeks pregnant they are trying to get my blood sugar under control because my feeble attempts and loads of insulin are not working.

Scared, torn, confused, you bet.  And learning. Always learning.  Nothing is solved or perfect. But one thing is for certain:  I am having a baby and I am getting more and more excited about his arrival.  I am blessed to have the a beautiful, healthy daughter and husband that I am lucky to call my family.

I am so thankful to have the friends I do, even though I haven’t been the best friend in return: I promise that will change.  I am thankful to have the home I do and the animals I love surrounding me.  The last 8 months, in all the sadness, and wandering I know I am blessed. I don’t ever doubt it.

My attempts at parenthood might stumble from time to time… the idea of a bigger, newer house can chill.  The thought of being a very successful career woman will iron out… I will find it, I know I will.  Being thankful is what I have today and I am eager and impatient indeed to sort of ‘get on with it.’   But I am not controlling the watch right now… so I ticks and passes time and I grasp and laughter I hear in my head and memories of the last several years of my life and how BIG everything has felt.  And how amazing it is to be a MOM already and to get to do it again… through confused… I am certain I have the “the village” around me… and I can’t imagine I will be alone in my parenting stumbles and successes.

On ward… and Up, Up UP!

4 Weeks from today we will hopefully be doing a c-section and welcoming our new miracle into the world. Fingers triple crossed!

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Is it Failure?

In Nimble, Social Media, Women on May 8, 2008 at 11:52 pm

For several months I have been trying to re-find myself. Sounds silly, however, I have gotten lost on a few occasions. The last lost self happened when I gave birth to our daughter in July, 2006. She became my everything, as kids should, until you realize, you have to have “self”, also.

I began taking some training’s to find spark, or see if I could drum up enthusiasm I so desperately needed. After all, Scout, our daughter is almost 2. She has a little life of her own now.

I have attended some amazing and very gratifying lectures, training’s and symposiums in the last few months. I have learned a great deal about things I would never have looked into, like THE WHITE HOUSE PROJECT,  THE PACHAMAMA ALLIANCE, AWAKENING THE DREAMER, BRAIN JAM and THE GRADY GROSSMAN SCHOOL in Cambodia has welcomed me as one of the Board of Directors.

I have thrown out my credentials to many companies in search of a “job” or a “career.”  I found the need to do this when I decided that working at midnight for my clients was no longer fair to my family. I have been running ASHER SOLUTIONS for three years and with a great deal of pride and growth, I still find that I cannot do it all alone. I feed off people and collaborative relations and efforts.  Three months of shooting off résumés – and targeted I might add, I have offers on the table and feel really CONFUSED?  How does one go from business owner to employee? How does one go from STAY-AT-HOME-WORKING-MOM to employee? I am unsure of this transition and I am scared.

I have applied for press credentials to the Democratic National Convention as an alternative blogger. I feel I need to be there, like many do. It will be one of the most amazing weeks and I want to witness it up close and personal. I am awaiting an answer.

I applied to the WOMEN RULE! conference and was declined. They had 80 spots available and got 3,000 applicants. I was bummed. But is this failure?

I throw stuff out there – to see what sticks. I always have. And I am a big believer in “it was meant to be.”

Then why the unrest? Why the total lack of passionate and unwavering focus in the midst of such learning and growing?  I am trying to identify the nagging sensation in the pit of my hungry tummy.  What makes us who we are? And when we lose ourselves, what brings us back?

In the midst of seeking I have also been diagnosed with a lifetime illness that has brought doubt, sadness and fear. SILENT THYROIDITIS they call it. It doesn’t feel so silent. Since November, I have been sick – without knowing why. It took some digging, some scans, blood work and intense waiting to see if the word CANCER had crept into my life.  Now we know what it is. Now, I learn how to live with SL and move on, right? Some days, I haven’t been able to move because it is so hardcore – it makes me tired. My hair falls out. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I am anxious and really, because it is in my THYROID, which is the body’s thermometer, I haven’t worn a coat since last winter. I am always hot or freezing. These sounds like minor set backs until you weave them together and that makes for a pissed off, lost, sick, MAMA!

Is this failure? Or just life? How does one find oneself after having gone missing for so long?

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