Ashley E. Kingsley

Posts Tagged ‘Change’

NEGLECT

In Uncategorized on June 9, 2009 at 12:57 am

Woman with Breast

I have turned neglect into an art form.  It had been almost one year since I wrote, anything.  I have handfuls of excuses and even Doctor’s notes to back up my inactivity. But I figure, I’m back now, so let’s move on.

Here is just a lil’ window that will bring us from last July to now, June 8, 2009.

Put house on market and went under contract only after 4 weeks with a full price offer.  Had to wiggle out of sale of house on an inspection item due to an unexpected layoff.

Got laid off October 15th from a job I loved.  I was flourishing in my position as Director of Marketing at COLORADO BIZ BUZZ. They sunk people all over the company and layoffs were swift and awful.  I was a casualty of what everyone else would soon be, corporate greed.   The economy TANKED.  You all know the rest of that story, right?

My father moved in with us in the beginning of November. He was residing in New Zealand and made his way back to Colorado after 4+ years.  He shared a room with our daughter and space was limited.  The day after he landed I found out, after feeling odd for several weeks that I was, indeed, pregnant.

Surprise!  This sunk me. The news shocking and somewhat confusing.  My husband and I rolled with the punch and geared up for what we knew would be a long first trimester and pregnancy as a whole.  I don’t have easy pregnancies (refer to my other blog at MISCARRIAGE ONE TWO MANY).  This was a lot to take in stride.   I was totally side swiped out of my “career” or job and all of the sudden sick as a dog, pregnant and my Dad was living with us. Oh, and I didn’t mention our daughter had just hit the terrible twos.

What I want to share here is not all the angry, confusion.  That was there… no doubt about it.  I felt like I had just got my life steady again after having our daughter and I was loving my job and the community I was building. I liked the prospect of a new, bigger home.   But, someone else had different plans.

I have been on bed rest for the better part of 8 months.  That is a long time.  I haven’t cared much about staying in touch with friends, reading, writing;  pretty depressed.  The light in my day has been our daughter, our dogs and my husband.   I even stopped using TWITTER which was a big deal as that was my main mode of communication for quite some time prior to all of these new life circumstances setting in.

All through my days I would wonder… how can women do this? Have kids, have their careers, deal with the inevitable interruptions and stay balanced and satisfied? How do we make it all fit together in a way that we can make sense of it? This question still plagues me. I am not sure there really is an answer.  The thought of adding another child to our mix was and still is scary to me. What if I suck? What if I can’t do it? What if I lose my mind?  These questions woke me up every morning.  My tummy grew.  The more my tummy grows the lonelier and more trapped I feel in my body.  And then add the guilt in for even THINKING this way… boom! I am an awful person.

I haven’t been able to communicate these feelings very well, or write them down because I have been so withdrawn and scared at the same time, I am mostly frozen.   And with pregnancy, my pregnancies, there are complications.  Let’s just say if there is a small % of getting something…. I get it.  Recently, Gestational Diabetes has found its way into my life and I am not coping well.   What a tricky disease it is.  I write this from a hospital bed, where at 33 weeks pregnant they are trying to get my blood sugar under control because my feeble attempts and loads of insulin are not working.

Scared, torn, confused, you bet.  And learning. Always learning.  Nothing is solved or perfect. But one thing is for certain:  I am having a baby and I am getting more and more excited about his arrival.  I am blessed to have the a beautiful, healthy daughter and husband that I am lucky to call my family.

I am so thankful to have the friends I do, even though I haven’t been the best friend in return: I promise that will change.  I am thankful to have the home I do and the animals I love surrounding me.  The last 8 months, in all the sadness, and wandering I know I am blessed. I don’t ever doubt it.

My attempts at parenthood might stumble from time to time… the idea of a bigger, newer house can chill.  The thought of being a very successful career woman will iron out… I will find it, I know I will.  Being thankful is what I have today and I am eager and impatient indeed to sort of ‘get on with it.’   But I am not controlling the watch right now… so I ticks and passes time and I grasp and laughter I hear in my head and memories of the last several years of my life and how BIG everything has felt.  And how amazing it is to be a MOM already and to get to do it again… through confused… I am certain I have the “the village” around me… and I can’t imagine I will be alone in my parenting stumbles and successes.

On ward… and Up, Up UP!

4 Weeks from today we will hopefully be doing a c-section and welcoming our new miracle into the world. Fingers triple crossed!

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Awakening the Dreamer…The Pachamama Alliance

In Uncategorized on April 18, 2008 at 9:48 pm

AwakeningtheDreamerAwakening the Dreamer a day looking at the most critical issue and greatest opportunity of our time and what we can do about it. The Symposium explores the link between three of humanity’s most critical concerns: environmental sustainability, social justice and spiritual fulfillment.

The Pachamama Alliance  and Associated Consultants International. These two organizations are doing outstanding work around the world and both focus on issues changing through knowledge and ethical competence.

The morning started off with some tremendous statistics that literally made me sick to my stomach. They made me angry. How in the hell did we get here? Our planet in grave danger (no, I am not a tree hugger).

“If you are ready to be disturbed, inspired and moved to action, if you are ready to be introduced to a thriving community of like-hearted, deeply committed cohorts who are actively engaged in awakening from and changing the dream of our modern industrial culture, we invite you to join the conversation.”

I must have missed this tag line when I signed up. But I am glad I am here.

  • US has the highest rate of mental health problems in the world
  • 27% Americans have severe mental disorders
  • Every day 700,000 people are getting help for alcoholism
  • African lions are on the verge of extinction
  • 90% of all large fish are gone from the ocean
  • 40% of Agricultural land is at risk of becoming a desert
  • We breathe 30% more carbon dioxide then our grandparents did
  • 2 Billion People on earth today face water shortages
  • The Gulf of Mexico has a dead zone where nothing can live – 7,000 miles wide
  • 95% of all biologists believe that we are in the midst of mass extinction

These are just a few of the statistics we heard. More to come.

We have had a few breakout sessions which have given us the opportunity to really consider what we must do in order to be change agents. Visualizations have taken us 80 years into the future where we are interacting with our great, great grandchildren.  Our great, great grandchildren asking us “Grandma, what was it like when there was starvation and war? What were elephants like? How did people get along with so much pollution?” These are the questions our great grandchildren ask us, because the world they live in 80 years in the future has changed.  When thinking of these questions coming from my daughters daughter, I am fell totally embarrassed about the world in which I am leaving to my children. The actions we have taken as a whole are destroying not just the environment, but social justice and spiritual calm.

These are difficult topics. I know they are there. I know that I consume to much. I know that waste is commonplace in my home and so is hunger in other homes. I know that sweat shops exist. I know that I don’t recycle. I know that my carbon footprint is HUGE and DISGUSTING. I KNOW THIS… and have known this. And… yet, I haven’t done a damn thing about it?  Why? What are my excuses?

I literally, broke down into tears during one of the video clips they showed of all of our great leaders who have made such great impacts, that of Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Rosa Parks, Diane Fossey, and more. How does one take all of this information in and live in the present while moving toward dire change? As I have hope I have hopelessness. As I have focus, I don’t know where to start.

It is important for me to be conscious of what I focus on and I get to choose my relationship with this information. This is profound!  This information brings great pain as well as a great well of joy for me.

Where should I put my energy so that I can keep growing and learning?  We are leaving this symposium in blessed unrest… this is where we are supposed to be. There is always a little something that draws from our excellence, to keep us moving.

Now I ask myself… how do I lead through change? I start with me. I will be calling the Lakewood Recycling Center on my way home. That is step # 1.

Here are some steps that I can begin with:

I am asking myself these questions:

1) What is my relationship with the Earth?

  • IDEAS:Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Plant an organic garden. Volunteer with local organizations that work on cleaning up the environment.  Display pictures of nature that inspire you.  Enroll your neighbors in planting trees in front of your home in your neighborhood.  Plan a hike outdoor with your friends, family, or a support group. Buy a reusable water bottle and make sure it is stainless steel. There are to many toxins in plastic. Stop your junk mail. Promote local farmers. Make consumption choices that encourage and support good behavior from private industries so they improve their environmental practices. Investigate and get involved in the Fair Trade movement.  Remove toxic house cleaning products from the household. WANT LESS. When shopping for furniture find out where it is from and if it is sustainable.  Test drive a hybrid car and consider it for your next purchase. Carpool. Eat only when you are HUNGRY.

2) What is my relationship with others/community/social justice?

IDEAS:Investigate organizations that are working to achieve social justice. Get together with your family and talk about your dreams.  Investigate and see if there is a project that can bring your neighborhood together. Engage with a racially/socially different community.  Read a book about day-to-day life about an indigenous culture and consider what it reveals about your culture and its life. Read alternative news sources. Mentor a child. Inform your self about social justice issues and offer to do a program on it at your local school.

3) What is my relationship with myself?

IDEAS:  Breathe deeply. Read one page of something that inspires you. Play with crayon. Stretch your body. Write down your dreams. Take a nap. Listen to someone older than you. Hug a tree. Build a fort. Write down three things you are thankful for. Do nothing for one minute.  Write the answer to “What is the purpose of my life?” Watch films and programs that inspire you. Relax. Smile at yourself. Don’t read your email for one day. Enjoy what you have. Take care about what you put in your mind and your heart. Dream with friends. Spend at least 5 minutes outside each day. Buy only things that you need.  Remember to play.

These are the things I will be working on. I will also celebrate Earth Week. I will dance. I will connect. I will believe.

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