Ashley E. Kingsley

Posts Tagged ‘Balance’

Why Social Media Drives Me

In Uncategorized on September 16, 2009 at 1:18 am

Multi taskI was enjoying a day at the Rockies game  doing my usual; multi-tasking. I was watching my TWITTER stream, peering onto the game over my Blackberry, talking to my friend and husband and playing with the kids. Oh, yeah, I was drinking a beer too.  Amused as always with my Twitter stream, I realized it was time to put the phone down and get the kids packed up. They were done, it was the 7th inning.

I had my phone in my hand, baby strapped to the front of me, toddler walking next to me and hubby leading the way.  One quick stop into the loo was all I needed.  And, of course, I left my phone in the bathroom stall.  And the moral of this story – don’t leave your phone in the bathroom stall or someone will take it.  Well, that isn’t really the moral of the story, but a side note.

Within seconds my lifeline was gone. Sound dramatic?  My Twitter stream, POOF!  My Facebook access lost. My phone book, buh-bye. My PHONE, gawn. GAWN!  I panicked and then I became interested in my own physiological meltdown. Well, it wasn’t really a meltdown, but I was having side-effects, seriously.  I felt, lost and dazed.  No, I am not kidding.

I decided, after I talked to the insurance company (yes, I always insure my phones) that since I wouldn’t see a replacement for 48 hours give or take, due to the Holiday weekend that I would experiment with my “need” to always be connected.

FIRST HOURS:

I couldn’t believe how ridiculous it was how disconnected I was feeling.  A phone, a blackberry…  some call it an extra appendage… it just didn’t make sense to me why I was feeling so out of sorts?  What is so important ‘out there’ that I was actually missing?  I guessed, probably not much.  I couldn’t check my streams or my friends’ status updates, click through the news or see the latest baseball score.  Big deal, right?

Wrong….

I realized within the first few hours of loss that  my Blackberry had become a ‘tick.’ That’s right, a nervous, boredom, fill-the-time-or-empty-space-moments with noise – other people’s noise, ‘tick.’  It was shocking to me how much I missed clicking between Twitter and Facebook  to see updates, learn, engage and be part of the conversation. The need to be part of all of this, I discovered, drives me.

The need and DRIVE is:  Connectivity. Belonging. A way for me to experience others without having direct person-to-person contact.   This new discovery of mine was not surprising. What was surprising, however,  was how I felt when I didn’t have the option to just ‘connect’ instantaneously.  Isn’t everything, instant? Don’t we function on ‘instant’ now? I do and now I know how important it is to have access, anytime, anywhere.

MORE HOURS:

I missed the feeds and status updates… and then… I kind of chilled.  Don’t get me wrong,  I did “wonder” what was going on when I wasn’t looking or connected.   I realized that time and appropriate USE of my Blackberry was what I might need to pay attention to. If I want to be connected, I could be connected – but I had to make some adjustments.  I hadn’t fully realized how much I was missing outside the stream. I started actually, um, driving my car, listening to NPR again and just being with myself, sans hyper-connectivity.  It was oddly, refreshing.  I took an OATH to stop texting, Tweeting, Facebooking and emailing while driving.  It seems soooo obvious…. I know.   YOU CAN TOO- HERE.  I HOPE YOU DO!

THE FINAL HOURS:

Being disconnected was interesting. I was thankful for the time I got to reflect which is something I am really thankful for. Re-connecting with self is so very important – equally as important as connecting outside of myself. -BALANCE-

CHARGED!

I have learned that connectedness isn’t a bad thing. Somehow, I was feeling guilty for being *that girl* that is always Twittering or Facebooking. You know what?  Being part of the stream is important to me. Participating in the conversation is valuable to me.  Listening to others and learning from others is vital to me.  So the appendage stays.

I think using my appendage at more appropriate times is what matters. Maybe cool down on the triple-tasking, perhaps?

NEGLECT

In Uncategorized on June 9, 2009 at 12:57 am

Woman with Breast

I have turned neglect into an art form.  It had been almost one year since I wrote, anything.  I have handfuls of excuses and even Doctor’s notes to back up my inactivity. But I figure, I’m back now, so let’s move on.

Here is just a lil’ window that will bring us from last July to now, June 8, 2009.

Put house on market and went under contract only after 4 weeks with a full price offer.  Had to wiggle out of sale of house on an inspection item due to an unexpected layoff.

Got laid off October 15th from a job I loved.  I was flourishing in my position as Director of Marketing at COLORADO BIZ BUZZ. They sunk people all over the company and layoffs were swift and awful.  I was a casualty of what everyone else would soon be, corporate greed.   The economy TANKED.  You all know the rest of that story, right?

My father moved in with us in the beginning of November. He was residing in New Zealand and made his way back to Colorado after 4+ years.  He shared a room with our daughter and space was limited.  The day after he landed I found out, after feeling odd for several weeks that I was, indeed, pregnant.

Surprise!  This sunk me. The news shocking and somewhat confusing.  My husband and I rolled with the punch and geared up for what we knew would be a long first trimester and pregnancy as a whole.  I don’t have easy pregnancies (refer to my other blog at MISCARRIAGE ONE TWO MANY).  This was a lot to take in stride.   I was totally side swiped out of my “career” or job and all of the sudden sick as a dog, pregnant and my Dad was living with us. Oh, and I didn’t mention our daughter had just hit the terrible twos.

What I want to share here is not all the angry, confusion.  That was there… no doubt about it.  I felt like I had just got my life steady again after having our daughter and I was loving my job and the community I was building. I liked the prospect of a new, bigger home.   But, someone else had different plans.

I have been on bed rest for the better part of 8 months.  That is a long time.  I haven’t cared much about staying in touch with friends, reading, writing;  pretty depressed.  The light in my day has been our daughter, our dogs and my husband.   I even stopped using TWITTER which was a big deal as that was my main mode of communication for quite some time prior to all of these new life circumstances setting in.

All through my days I would wonder… how can women do this? Have kids, have their careers, deal with the inevitable interruptions and stay balanced and satisfied? How do we make it all fit together in a way that we can make sense of it? This question still plagues me. I am not sure there really is an answer.  The thought of adding another child to our mix was and still is scary to me. What if I suck? What if I can’t do it? What if I lose my mind?  These questions woke me up every morning.  My tummy grew.  The more my tummy grows the lonelier and more trapped I feel in my body.  And then add the guilt in for even THINKING this way… boom! I am an awful person.

I haven’t been able to communicate these feelings very well, or write them down because I have been so withdrawn and scared at the same time, I am mostly frozen.   And with pregnancy, my pregnancies, there are complications.  Let’s just say if there is a small % of getting something…. I get it.  Recently, Gestational Diabetes has found its way into my life and I am not coping well.   What a tricky disease it is.  I write this from a hospital bed, where at 33 weeks pregnant they are trying to get my blood sugar under control because my feeble attempts and loads of insulin are not working.

Scared, torn, confused, you bet.  And learning. Always learning.  Nothing is solved or perfect. But one thing is for certain:  I am having a baby and I am getting more and more excited about his arrival.  I am blessed to have the a beautiful, healthy daughter and husband that I am lucky to call my family.

I am so thankful to have the friends I do, even though I haven’t been the best friend in return: I promise that will change.  I am thankful to have the home I do and the animals I love surrounding me.  The last 8 months, in all the sadness, and wandering I know I am blessed. I don’t ever doubt it.

My attempts at parenthood might stumble from time to time… the idea of a bigger, newer house can chill.  The thought of being a very successful career woman will iron out… I will find it, I know I will.  Being thankful is what I have today and I am eager and impatient indeed to sort of ‘get on with it.’   But I am not controlling the watch right now… so I ticks and passes time and I grasp and laughter I hear in my head and memories of the last several years of my life and how BIG everything has felt.  And how amazing it is to be a MOM already and to get to do it again… through confused… I am certain I have the “the village” around me… and I can’t imagine I will be alone in my parenting stumbles and successes.

On ward… and Up, Up UP!

4 Weeks from today we will hopefully be doing a c-section and welcoming our new miracle into the world. Fingers triple crossed!

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