Ashley E. Kingsley

NEGLECT

In Uncategorized on June 9, 2009 at 12:57 am

Woman with Breast

I have turned neglect into an art form.  It had been almost one year since I wrote, anything.  I have handfuls of excuses and even Doctor’s notes to back up my inactivity. But I figure, I’m back now, so let’s move on.

Here is just a lil’ window that will bring us from last July to now, June 8, 2009.

Put house on market and went under contract only after 4 weeks with a full price offer.  Had to wiggle out of sale of house on an inspection item due to an unexpected layoff.

Got laid off October 15th from a job I loved.  I was flourishing in my position as Director of Marketing at COLORADO BIZ BUZZ. They sunk people all over the company and layoffs were swift and awful.  I was a casualty of what everyone else would soon be, corporate greed.   The economy TANKED.  You all know the rest of that story, right?

My father moved in with us in the beginning of November. He was residing in New Zealand and made his way back to Colorado after 4+ years.  He shared a room with our daughter and space was limited.  The day after he landed I found out, after feeling odd for several weeks that I was, indeed, pregnant.

Surprise!  This sunk me. The news shocking and somewhat confusing.  My husband and I rolled with the punch and geared up for what we knew would be a long first trimester and pregnancy as a whole.  I don’t have easy pregnancies (refer to my other blog at MISCARRIAGE ONE TWO MANY).  This was a lot to take in stride.   I was totally side swiped out of my “career” or job and all of the sudden sick as a dog, pregnant and my Dad was living with us. Oh, and I didn’t mention our daughter had just hit the terrible twos.

What I want to share here is not all the angry, confusion.  That was there… no doubt about it.  I felt like I had just got my life steady again after having our daughter and I was loving my job and the community I was building. I liked the prospect of a new, bigger home.   But, someone else had different plans.

I have been on bed rest for the better part of 8 months.  That is a long time.  I haven’t cared much about staying in touch with friends, reading, writing;  pretty depressed.  The light in my day has been our daughter, our dogs and my husband.   I even stopped using TWITTER which was a big deal as that was my main mode of communication for quite some time prior to all of these new life circumstances setting in.

All through my days I would wonder… how can women do this? Have kids, have their careers, deal with the inevitable interruptions and stay balanced and satisfied? How do we make it all fit together in a way that we can make sense of it? This question still plagues me. I am not sure there really is an answer.  The thought of adding another child to our mix was and still is scary to me. What if I suck? What if I can’t do it? What if I lose my mind?  These questions woke me up every morning.  My tummy grew.  The more my tummy grows the lonelier and more trapped I feel in my body.  And then add the guilt in for even THINKING this way… boom! I am an awful person.

I haven’t been able to communicate these feelings very well, or write them down because I have been so withdrawn and scared at the same time, I am mostly frozen.   And with pregnancy, my pregnancies, there are complications.  Let’s just say if there is a small % of getting something…. I get it.  Recently, Gestational Diabetes has found its way into my life and I am not coping well.   What a tricky disease it is.  I write this from a hospital bed, where at 33 weeks pregnant they are trying to get my blood sugar under control because my feeble attempts and loads of insulin are not working.

Scared, torn, confused, you bet.  And learning. Always learning.  Nothing is solved or perfect. But one thing is for certain:  I am having a baby and I am getting more and more excited about his arrival.  I am blessed to have the a beautiful, healthy daughter and husband that I am lucky to call my family.

I am so thankful to have the friends I do, even though I haven’t been the best friend in return: I promise that will change.  I am thankful to have the home I do and the animals I love surrounding me.  The last 8 months, in all the sadness, and wandering I know I am blessed. I don’t ever doubt it.

My attempts at parenthood might stumble from time to time… the idea of a bigger, newer house can chill.  The thought of being a very successful career woman will iron out… I will find it, I know I will.  Being thankful is what I have today and I am eager and impatient indeed to sort of ‘get on with it.’   But I am not controlling the watch right now… so I ticks and passes time and I grasp and laughter I hear in my head and memories of the last several years of my life and how BIG everything has felt.  And how amazing it is to be a MOM already and to get to do it again… through confused… I am certain I have the “the village” around me… and I can’t imagine I will be alone in my parenting stumbles and successes.

On ward… and Up, Up UP!

4 Weeks from today we will hopefully be doing a c-section and welcoming our new miracle into the world. Fingers triple crossed!

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  1. Good to see this. It’s funny, I was expecting a major contrast between the previous entry and this one, maybe this one was more pessimistic than the 2008 entry, and it was, but at the end of both you leave with the same message: You’re not only going to make it, but with a zeal for whatever life hurls at you. Maybe you should be writing those books you recommend.

  2. That’s beautiful, Ash. Very honest and touching. I bet it felt really good for you to write that. I’m sorry you’ve been having such a hard time, but I know that once you hold that baby boy in your arms you will know the journey was all worthwhile and you’re stronger because of it.

    I’ve found that guilt is a huge part of motherhood. Guilt for what you’re not doing, guilt for what you should be doing more (or less) of, guilt for what you may not be doing quite right, guilt for not being the “perfect mom.” I think it’s a perfectly natural emotion. After all, motherhood is a HUGE job and nothing to be taken lightly! Just don’t let it get the best of you and keep your expectations realistic. We are all doing the best we can, and some days we do better than other days.

    Hang in there, the end is near, and remember that your little one will adore you no matter who you are or what you do. xxoo Jen

  3. That was very touching. Keep strong and Hang in there, We are thinking about you and your new arrival and saying a prayer for your family. Take care,
    Edogg

  4. Welcome back, Asher! 🙂

    I know of many women who felt / feel as you do, yet you are the only one I know of who has had the courage to share your perspective so openly like this. Thank you!

    I think if people spoke about these kinds of things more often and as openly, not only would some of the loneliness and depression start to melt, but that resources would be applied to provide support and guidance for all of those involved. It can be very hard on those who are not pregnant as well.

    Can’t wait to see the beautiful pictures of your new addition! 🙂

  5. Thanks for sharing & hang in there…things happen for a reason!
    We are here for you…whether we have met face:face or not. Reaching out is just a Tweet, blog or text away.
    You can do this & everything else…it’s just a blip in what you are capable of!
    xoxo
    -jen
    @jenharris09

  6. Hey hon – don’t even start feeling like *you* have been the bad friend. Life is tricky. Pregnancy – especially complicated ones – is tricky. Parenthood is tricky.
    The internet – and your friends – will still be here tomorrow and the next day and the next.

    Didn’t know you were at Rose.

    I owe their Maternity folks my life. Good hospital to be in. Best, in my book. If I hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t be here.

    I’ll try to figure out how to come visit – without the 6 yr old who is out of school, not yet in camp, and driving me happily mad.

    (((hug))))

    Hang in there.

  7. You are so honest, and real. I think sharing your life online like this helps others! (Maybe I should have commented on the social media post from today.) I’m with you. You go girl!

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