Ashley E. Kingsley

Is it Failure?

In Nimble, Social Media, Women on May 8, 2008 at 11:52 pm

For several months I have been trying to re-find myself. Sounds silly, however, I have gotten lost on a few occasions. The last lost self happened when I gave birth to our daughter in July, 2006. She became my everything, as kids should, until you realize, you have to have “self”, also.

I began taking some training’s to find spark, or see if I could drum up enthusiasm I so desperately needed. After all, Scout, our daughter is almost 2. She has a little life of her own now.

I have attended some amazing and very gratifying lectures, training’s and symposiums in the last few months. I have learned a great deal about things I would never have looked into, like THE WHITE HOUSE PROJECT,  THE PACHAMAMA ALLIANCE, AWAKENING THE DREAMER, BRAIN JAM and THE GRADY GROSSMAN SCHOOL in Cambodia has welcomed me as one of the Board of Directors.

I have thrown out my credentials to many companies in search of a “job” or a “career.”  I found the need to do this when I decided that working at midnight for my clients was no longer fair to my family. I have been running ASHER SOLUTIONS for three years and with a great deal of pride and growth, I still find that I cannot do it all alone. I feed off people and collaborative relations and efforts.  Three months of shooting off résumés – and targeted I might add, I have offers on the table and feel really CONFUSED?  How does one go from business owner to employee? How does one go from STAY-AT-HOME-WORKING-MOM to employee? I am unsure of this transition and I am scared.

I have applied for press credentials to the Democratic National Convention as an alternative blogger. I feel I need to be there, like many do. It will be one of the most amazing weeks and I want to witness it up close and personal. I am awaiting an answer.

I applied to the WOMEN RULE! conference and was declined. They had 80 spots available and got 3,000 applicants. I was bummed. But is this failure?

I throw stuff out there – to see what sticks. I always have. And I am a big believer in “it was meant to be.”

Then why the unrest? Why the total lack of passionate and unwavering focus in the midst of such learning and growing?  I am trying to identify the nagging sensation in the pit of my hungry tummy.  What makes us who we are? And when we lose ourselves, what brings us back?

In the midst of seeking I have also been diagnosed with a lifetime illness that has brought doubt, sadness and fear. SILENT THYROIDITIS they call it. It doesn’t feel so silent. Since November, I have been sick – without knowing why. It took some digging, some scans, blood work and intense waiting to see if the word CANCER had crept into my life.  Now we know what it is. Now, I learn how to live with SL and move on, right? Some days, I haven’t been able to move because it is so hardcore – it makes me tired. My hair falls out. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I am anxious and really, because it is in my THYROID, which is the body’s thermometer, I haven’t worn a coat since last winter. I am always hot or freezing. These sounds like minor set backs until you weave them together and that makes for a pissed off, lost, sick, MAMA!

Is this failure? Or just life? How does one find oneself after having gone missing for so long?

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  1. Wow, you are brave in so many ways. Failure is the last word I would describe you. While I don’t know you personally, I can tell that you are strong. I feel like I am on a constant quest to find myself and I question my decision to stay home with my son all the time, especially when I’m making my monthly student loan payment for that college degree. But I think it is the struggle that we’re going through right now as relatively new moms (I have a toddler about the same age as you) that will bring clarity later on. Sending good vibes your way.

  2. Ashley:

    You will find yourself again, never fear! Don’t be worried, whatever path you choose will be the right one. Maybe it would be nice to go to work and come home at the end of the day and not have to keep thinking about your business.

    [HUGS]

  3. Ashley,
    You do not know me but I followed you on twitter about a week ago. This was an awesome post! As a matter of fact you just inspired me to put into action a blog/site/idea I have been mulling over for over a year.
    I would definitely want you input for it as well 🙂

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